


You Are My Heart

by H_W_Star



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: (though you may hate me in the beginning), Angst, Crying, Feels, Implied Relationship, M/M, Sadness, So much angst, Sorry guys, brace yourself for the onslaught of feels, happy/positive ending, it's rough for both of them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-08-31 16:18:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8585359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/H_W_Star/pseuds/H_W_Star
Summary: Resounding in his head were Victor’s words, flashing through his mind were memories of comforting arms and soft lips and tender, loving expressions. Each chinked the fragile glass of his heart more and more, until he was one gentle tap away from shattering.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> None of these wonderful characters belong to me. Thank you for stopping by for a read, and hope you enjoy. Apologies in advance, but more on that later.

 

    “Yuri, you have to stop thinking about him.” Minako’s voice barely made it through the haze surrounding him. He was staring at a TV screen, an old program covering a skating competition in Russia. His eyes followed the painfully familiar grey-haired skater, lean and elegant as he landed his signature move, a quadruple flip, perfectly on the ice. The now-expected sting of pain shot through him again, as he was reminded of all the times he had personally seen this skater perform those flips before his very own eyes. His hands were gripping a stuffed animal tightly, had been doing it for so long they had started to cramp, but he ignored the pain. It was a plush poodle; a brown one, with eyes the same color and soft fur. Some of the fur was wet in places from when he had buried his tear-soaked face in it, in an attempt to muffle the wracking sobs and breathless gasps. Disheveled heaps of tissues littered the area around him, so that the carpet underneath was nearly hidden.

    He didn’t respond to the ballet teacher, prompting another look of frustration mixed with desperation from her. His gaze was fixed to the screen, red and puffy eyes glued to the graceful figure gliding across the ice in a sparkling outfit the lights caught just perfectly to create glinting and glittering flashes as he moved. The piece ended, and the skater faced the camera straight on, hair slightly covering his face and lips curving into a wide smile. Though swollen from crying so much, his eyes began to water once more, and soft tears fell onto already-stained cheeks. His vision swam, the skater’s face and eyes and endearing smile blurring, until suddenly the entire scene went black. Having been able to take no more of Yuri’s suffering, Minako had shut off the television. He remained where he was, not moving, as a statue, to the point where she worried if he was still breathing. The tears flowed silently down his face, falling from his chin in drops that landed on the poodle’s soft head, as Yuri’s eyes stared ahead. He seemed almost catatonic like this, but it was about the fifth time in three days he had become like this and so became something to be expected. This was also about the third time since what happened that Minako had walked in to find Yuri watching one of Victor’s performances.

   No one had expected it to happen. No one even knew why or how it happened; Yuri had shown up outside the studio, crumpled and having clearly cried so much that his voice was hoarse from sobs. Minako, having been confronted so suddenly with a violently weeping Yuri, hadn’t known what to do and had thus stood stunned for a moment, before bringing him inside and trying to discern what happened. She had asked where Victor was, and at the mention of the name whatever might have been left of Yuri’s strength or spirit was shattered, and he collapsed on the floor, shaking with sobs and feebly clinging to the side of a chair. That was when she had understood.

   A soft buzz from Yuri’s phone sounded around the otherwise silent room, and Yuri’s gaze flickered for a moment in the direction of the screen before he jerked his head away. His heart constricted painfully at the picture he knew he would see there; he hadn’t been able to touch his phone, or even look at it since it happened.

   “It’s Phichit again,” Minako said softly. Yuri didn’t show any sign of response. “He probably wants to check in on you and see how you’re doing.” She paused, then added, “You should talk to him.” Yuri gave the most minuscule shake of his head. His hand then began to creep towards the remote before Minako snatched it away, saying almost desperately, “Yuri, stop! You can’t continue like this. You can’t keep thinking about him. You can’t keep ignoring people’s calls, avoiding your family, and trying to hole yourself away from the people that care about you! Repeatedly watching performances of Victor--” Yuri flinched at his name—“and dwelling on him isn’t going to make the pain go away. It’s not going to help you.” There was a moment or two of silence and then she said softly, “It’s killing me to see you like this.”

   He looked up at her then, tears having stopped but eyes still watery, and the pain she saw in them made her heart break. Less than a week ago Yuri had sent her a picture of him and Victor at some skating rink somewhere in Russia. Victor’s lips were pressed to Yuri’s cheek and laughter was dancing in his bright azure eyes. Yuri was smiling widely, and the soft roseate dusting of a blush ghosted his cheeks. They both looked incredibly happy, and the love between them was obvious to anyone seeing the picture. She wondered, as she had done countless times over the course of the past three days, what exactly had happened during the time between that picture and now.

   That night, like the two before, Yuri was haunted by smiling blue eyes and silken grey hair. The familiar laugh and voice followed him into his dreams, which he continually woke from in tears, his pillow damp. He couldn’t sleep, which didn’t surprise him, and he considered walking to the ice rink nearby. But his heart tightened at the thought of even seeing the skating rink, the same one he had practiced on with Victor so many times. He decided, however, that he couldn’t stand staying in the house a second longer, and so strictly on impulse he took off into the night, running to an unknown location under a star-flecked sky.

   Resounding in his head were Victor’s words, flashing through his mind were memories of comforting arms and soft lips and tender, loving expressions. Each chinked the fragile glass of his heart more and more, until he was one gentle tap away from shattering. The tears began anew, his heart was constricting painfully, and his throat hurt from all the desperate, woeful cries. His breath was stolen by ragged gasps and all he could do was keep going, in a hopeless attempt to outrun the pain.

   He found himself at the bench at the base of Hasetsu Castle, beneath the cherry blossom tree, onto which he collapsed, breathless, choked by tears, and let out long keening cries that eventually died down to tremulous whimpers as he curled against the tree. He imagined he simulated a wounded animal rather well.  He could only cling to the slender trunk and weep, letting the agonized and heartbroken cries echo out into the night. He could feel the tears slipping down his neck and dampening his chest beneath his clothes, could feel each sob send tremors through his body as the onslaught of memories assailed him.

_“I don’t understand…”_

   He hugged the tree harder, his body shaking.

_“Yuri, this is going to become a distraction…”_

   His eyes were squeezed shut, his grip on the tree vicelike as the sobs wracked through him.

_“Please don’t leave…”_

   He pressed his cheek against the cool surface of the trunk as he fought against it all, wordlessly begging for it to stop. He could hardly breathe, he felt weak and unsteady, so all he did—all he could do—was hold on to the tree and not let go. He fell asleep like that, hanging on to the tree loosely as he slept, this time at least with no fits or restlessness.

   He slept deeply, exhausted from everything that had happened, though nevertheless he was woken by the sound of footsteps drawing nearer to him. His eyes opened slowly, his vision a bit blurry, and relaxed his hold on the tree to rub his eyes. As he did, his heart stopped. He shook his head violently to ensure he was not dreaming and this was not some cruel mirage. In front of him, eyes full of concern and regret, heartache etched in every feature, slender fingers raking through slightly disheveled silver hair, was Victor. His voice was tender and remorseful, and in four soft-spoken words he alleviated all the pain Yuri had felt since it happened.

   “Yuri, I was wrong.”  


	2. Afterword

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epilogue/afterword-esque chapter for clarification purposes as to what happened and how things are resolved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I own neither of these two. As always, thanks to all who stop by for a read and hope you enjoy.

 

“What happened?” Yuri’s entire body ached to launch itself into Victor’s arms, but he needed to know, so with incredible self-control he held himself back. He was grateful his voice didn’t shake.

Victor had taken a seat next to Yuri on the bench, and was reaching out a hand to brush his fingers through Yuri’s hair when the younger skater spoke. Victor’s hand stopped halfway, and he slowly brought it back with a pained expression. Seeing that look, Yuri felt the urge to reach out a hand and grasp Victor’s as comfort, but refused to let himself. He needed to hear the explanation first. His hand clenched into a fist on the bench, but otherwise he didn’t move.

Victor sighed, and he ran a hand once more through his hair. He looked up with doleful eyes and breathed out, “I’m sorry, Yuri.” Yuri didn’t respond, merely waited in silence for him to continue.

Victor sighed once more and then began, “When we were in Russia, I couldn’t have been happier. Given everything that has happened, you probably don’t believe that, but I promise it’s the truth. Being able to show you everything, introduce you to everyone, and just spend that time with you made me happy, as it always does.” Yuri’s heart constricted painfully at this, but he fought to maintain a neutral expression. Thankfully Victor wasn’t looking at him, and was instead staring out at the small town.

“A few days before you left I ran into Yakov while waiting for you to finish changing out of your skates and skating clothes. I hadn’t expected to see him as I was under the impression he was busy coaching for the upcoming tournament. He walked up to me, made the usual small talk, and then started questioning me about you. I normally don’t mind speaking about you--” Victor gave a small smile at this—“but he began asking questions about our relationship and how it was going. He started talking about how a relationship like ours was going to get in the way of our careers, how it would ultimately become a distraction, and how it wasn’t going to do either of us any good overall. I of course told him he was wrong, as I’m used to him trying to steer me in whatever direction he personally deems ‘right’. I had even begun to walk away to go check on you, but he suddenly put his hand on my shoulder and asked me whether or not this was the best decision as your coach. He questioned whether or not I would truly be able to separate my feelings for you from the professional approach I needed to be a good coach, and if I couldn’t do that then that was unfair to you. Even though he had left me alone after that, his words stuck with me and refused to leave my head. No matter what I did, I couldn’t stop thinking about them.” He turned to look back at Yuri, cerulean eyes full of regret.

“When I had that conversation with you later, I thought I was doing what was best for you and your future. I thought I was making the right choice for your career. Even though it’s not what I wanted, I thought by doing that it would be better for you. I--” He broke off for a moment, looking down, and then continued, “I never meant to cause you such pain. Realizing I had hurt you so much was the worst part.” He looked back at Yuri again, and Yuri could feel the tears threatening once more. He fought them back, but just barely. Victor’s genuinely pained expression, proof that this whole ordeal was not by his design, was breaking Yuri’s heart all over again.

“And then you left, without telling anyone, and though I desperately wanted to go after you I told myself it was for the best, that you would be better off this way. If it meant you would have a better future…” His voice trailed off, and he stared at the ground with his chin resting on his folded hands. Though Yuri didn’t see how Victor leaving would benefit him in any way, he understood that Victor had only been trying to keep his best interests at heart. Yuri was reminded of how he had managed to keep from breaking down the entire flight, how he had wondered where to go once he landed and had ultimately decided on Minako, and had finally surrendered to the crushing emotions moments before he knocked on her door.  A few moments of quiet passed before Victor spoke again.

“Barely a day had passed before I realized everything Yakov had said was utter bullshit.” Yuri’s eyes widened at Victor’s unexpected and uncharacteristic use of profanity. “I kept thinking about everything you had said, about how I was the first person you had ever wanted to hold on to, and I realized I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I kicked myself for ever believing Yakov in the first place. I immediately started making arrangements to follow you back to Japan, and the soonest flight was in two days. I figured I shouldn’t try to call you; I doubted you would pick up. So I just made sure I had everything packed, notified very few people, and left. After landing—this morning—I had tried to find you; I checked your house but your family had no idea where you were, I looked for you at the ice rink and asked Yuuko but she didn’t know either. In fact, none of them even knew you’d come back.” Yuri winced; while he had felt guilty about not telling anyone, he knew he just hadn’t been ready to face any of them yet.

“I’m not very familiar with your friends, so I tried to think of anyone else you might have been with. I finally remembered Minako—and was surprised I had forgotten her—and so had paid a visit to her house. I could tell she didn’t quite know whether to be angry with me or treat me coldly or what, so she just kind of regarded me with a neutral expression. When I asked her where you were, I was actually surprised to hear that you had been staying with her, but even more so when she told me you had disappeared someplace last night; she only knew because you hadn’t been anywhere in the house when she woke up this morning. She had figured you needed your space and so didn’t try to look for you. She told me she had no idea where you were, and so I thanked her and left. I didn’t really know where I was headed but just started walking nonetheless, and I eventually wound up here, to find you asleep on this bench under the cherry blossom tree. To be honest, seeing you here broke my heart a little as it reminded me of what happened. I could tell you had been crying because your cheeks were still slightly tear-stained.”

 Unable to hold them back anymore, Yuri let the tears softly trickle down his face, and Victor’s expression grew even more sorrowful as he saw them. He raised a hand and gently brushed the tears from Yuri’s cheek with his thumb as he said softly, “Yuri, you know I’m no good with people crying in front of me.” Yuri lightly shook his head and gave a small laugh, only because he knew that was a complete lie; Victor was usually the only one who could truly comfort Yuri whenever the younger male started crying. Yuri couldn’t help but lean into Victor’s touch, the contact soothing his raw and ravaged heart. Victor’s expression softened as he did so.

“Yuri, I am so sorry. I was so foolish to have believed anything Yakov said. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I was so focused on trying to do the best for you that I hadn’t realized that what we have is actually what makes us stronger and is the reason for our success together. It doesn’t hinder us in the least. I’m so sorry for leaving you. I promise I will never do so again.” He looked like he was going to say more, but Yuri had heard everything he needed to, and so cut Victor off by pressing their foreheads together.

Closing his eyes, he said, “I forgive you,” and could feel the warm puff of air against his cheek as Victor breathed out a sigh.

“I missed you, Yuri,” he said before closing the space between them, pressing soft lips to Yuri’s in a gentle kiss that surrounded Yuri in warmth. He was back where he wanted to be, back where he needed to be. Victor kept one hand against Yuri’s cheek and slid the other into his hair, drawing a sigh from Yuri this time; Yuri kept his arms wrapped loosely around Victor’s neck. Needing some air, Victor pulled back slightly but kept their foreheads touching.

In a soft voice he whispered, “Ты мое сердце.”

Yuri gave a small laugh; he had picked up a few phrases from being around Victor, but he was in no way well-versed. “What does that mean?”

Victor kissed him once more before replying, “‘You are my heart’.”

**Author's Note:**

> Major apologies for everything haha. You have my permission to hate me; sorry guys. Hopefully I didn't break your hearts too much and you can find room in them for forgiveness...


End file.
